Words from the Heart and Soul
by wingless87
Summary: I was nothing to you, while you were everything to me. I loved you from the depths of my soul, from the deepest, darkest valley in my heart. I wanted to be close to you, but you pushed me away. Didn't you care about me? DHr, as always


**Disclaimer: **All Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The song used belongs to Mariah Carey.

* * *

**Words from the Heart and Soul  
**_Part 1: _Can't Let You Go

I was calm. I had everything under control once again. I returned to my old routine, as if I had never left it in the first place. Call me predictable, but it comforted me. I knew that nothing would go wrong, and everything would go according to plan.

But it was different this time. I felt so empty and hollow, like a mindless human being doing the same actions over and over again, with no liveliness inside. That was how I felt. That was what you made me.

Who would've known that you changed me this way? Certainly not me. I would've never expected to have the kind of feelings that I did for you.

But love is a powerful thing. Or what was it just an infatuation that I had for you?

I saw you again today. You were walking into the Great Hall as if you were of such high royalty, and everyone else was just there to provide service for you whenever you want to. You also held a huge smirk on your face, and I knew why. I looked at the girl who was standing beside you, holding your hand.

Who was she? Your girl of the week? As I was?

I wanted to be her. I wanted to be the one who could hold your hand whenever I want; to touch you whenever I want; to kiss you whenever I want.

But you didn't let me. And I got scared.

If things could change between us, would you still want me? You don't know how much I want you – you will probably never know. I loved you from the depths of my soul, from the deepest, darkest valley in my heart. I've never felt the way I did around anyone else before, and I wanted to experience more of it. Maybe that was why I chose to go with my heart, rather than my head.

You made me feel so alive.

Now I just feel dead without you.

_**There you are  
**__**Holding her hand  
**__**I am lost  
**__**Dying to understand  
**__**Didn't I  
**__**Cherish you right  
**_**_Don't you know  
__You were my life_**

Everyday I think about you. Did you know that? No, I don't think you do. You were so busy with yourself that you don't take the time to care about others around you. Even me. I pretended not to care, after all, you'll never change your ways, will you? But I knew I couldn't hide that feeling. I knew that we may never last, but I chose to ignore and forget about it since I thought we could overcome any obstacle that came our way.

Love can change how you think, you know?

No, you don't. You may never know the meaning of that word. I try to incorporate it into your head, but I guess it can never go through. I can't make you understand what love is.

I remember the first time you mesmerized me. It was the day everything about me changed, how could I forget that? I was happier, more vibrant than before, and everyone noticed but no body knew why. I never told them.

You talked to me that day. Well, your attention was actually more to Harry and Ron than it was to me. You were having your usual arguments with them, insulting them with whatever you can come up with in your head. I was looking at you, at every single feature that your face had to offer. I guess you must've noticed since you turned your attention fully onto me. But the odd thing was, you didn't say anything.

You came up to me with that usual smirk of yours that you so perfected. I could see out of the corner of my eye, Harry and Ron looking shocked and wanting to do something, but your two cronies stopped them from taking one step further. You looked at me with your charming gray eyes, and simply said "Granger", and walked away.

I had expected you to insult me, to treat me as if I'm just dirt to you, but all you said was my name. I had always remembered that moment.

I had dreamt about you night after night, wishing and hoping that we would be together, to enjoy our moments.

But my dream had come and gone.

_**Even though I try  
**__**I can't let go  
**__**Something in your eyes  
**__**Captured my soul  
**__**And every night  
**__**I see you in my dreams  
**_**_You're all I know  
__I can't let go_**

What had happened? Were you bored of me and decided to try someone else who was more fun and energetic? Or were you afraid that I actually had feelings for you, that I loved you?

We were close, but now you act so cold and distant. What had I done wrong? Was it my blood that you didn't want?

I was walking to the library today when I saw you once more. My heart was beating rapidly, and I was feeling very nervous. I noticed that, that girl wasn't with you, which made me feel so relieved. I can't stand the thought of you with another, so I would've been devastated if I saw her clinging on to you as if you were the last boy to exist. I was hoping you would talk to me, like we used to, but I was naïve.

You just passed me by. Not even a glance my way. Did you notice me, standing there waiting for you? Why do you pretend that I don't even exist? I was extremely hurt, and could feel the tears coming, but I couldn't display my emotions where everyone could see.

And so I ran.

I went to the lake, where I can be alone with my thoughts and feelings and have no one else bother me. I sat by the edge, with my head between my legs, and cried. Tears just came flowing down non-stop as every thought and image that passed in my mind was of you. I had thought of every memory we had together; the first time you said my name; the feeling I get when your hand touches mine; the taste of your soft, sweet lips.

No matter how hard I try to make them go away, those memories will stay with me. I cannot erase them, even though you apparently erased yours of me.

Did you know you have this kind of effect on me?

_**Just cast aside  
**__**You don't even know I'm alive  
**__**You just walk on by  
**__**Don't care to see me cry  
**__**And here I am  
**__**Still holding on  
**_**_I can't accept  
__My world is gone_**

I had thought that it was just a nightmare that day you came up to me to say it was over. All I wanted was just to wake up and find that you hadn't said those words, and that everything was just as it was before. It took me a while, however, to realize that I was actually in reality, and that you were gone.

I had my heart broken because of you. Did you feel satisfied knowing that?

I couldn't help but think why. Didn't you feel the same way about me as I did about you? All those things you said, were they all lies?

I had hoped you would come to your senses, and come back to me. I waited every single day for that to happen. I was so convinced that it would come true; that you would tell me that you had made a huge mistake of letting me go. But do you know how long that was? I tired myself out hoping and hoping, but it never happened. It took me a long time before I realized you would never come back.

Ever since then, I pretended to hate you for all that you have done; for all that you had put me through. Even though I occupied myself with books and study, I still could not take away my deep sorrow and emptiness that I had inside. I tried many times to try and feel genuinely happy again, laughing and talking with my friends, but nothing worked. I told myself over and over again that it was just meant to be this way and that I don't need you.

But I was only telling myself lies.

_**Do you even realize  
**__**The sorrow I have inside  
**__**Everyday of my life  
**__**Do you know the way it feels  
**__**When all you have just dies  
**__**I try and try  
**_**_To deny that I need you  
__But still you remain on my mind_**

You'll always be on my mind, whether it's trying to get rid of the very thought of you, or reminiscing about the times we had together.

Are you happy now that you had this effect on me?

I don't think I can ever let you go. I know I should, but I'm not sure I have any strength left in me to fight it anymore. You make me feel a wide range of emotions I've never felt before, and I don't think I ever will experience the same thing with anyone else. I miss that, but I know I shouldn't. I should move on, like you; the past is just the past, no need to dread up hurtful memories, right?

It's not that easy. How could you have done that to me? I thought you had changed, but I was wrong. You never will, despite everything I had done for you.

It hurts me to think that I was nothing to you, even though you were everything to me. Nobody could ever replace that feeling I get whenever I'm around you. Do you feel pleased with yourself now?

_**No I just can't get you out of my mind  
**__**I never can say goodbye  
**__**'Cause every night  
**__**I see you in my dreams  
**__**You're all I know  
**__**I can't let you go  
**__**Even though I try  
**__**I can't let go of something that I need so badly  
**_**_You're all I know  
__I can't let go_**

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I sit by the lake to gather the thoughts in my mind, and write them all down. It relieves me in a way to know that they could be organized, but I could never write down all the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have of you. They are so full of complexity and contradictions that I wouldn't know where to start.

But I have tried, and this letter is proof. It may not have everything that I wanted to say, but it is the beginning. I know you may never get the chance to read this, but it is a small step forward for me in easing all of my emotions.

Even though you hurt me, Draco, I'll live on.

Signed,

Hermione Granger


End file.
